Tonight I’ll stand on my ledge and look over the city of which I have created, and wonder what has happened to my life. I look back on the past and think of a time I once knew. Think of a plan to make things better. I will stand looking around me, wondering if I am alone. I’ll release my hopes onto the world, trying to find the future. The night will only see my shame; it will dive into the lonely pond of isolation. And when you wake up all alone, you will look around you because you’re not alone. Let your hopes go and you’ll survive, because this is the future and you are alive. Dive into your twilight, and spread the multicolored past of tomorrow across your page. Watch out for Atreyu, he’s rabid and find’s human flesh to be a decadent among his kind. If you are to wake up in the dawn and find your back skin nibbled off, don’t be alarmed. Atreyu will give it back, in all due time that is. Just wake up from this dream you are having, life goes on and nothing will ever seem real. You will always keep waking up to arrive in a different part in your now short life. The things I say will not make sense, but that is not the point of this tale. It is only to show you that things will never be the same, and it will keep getting like that. Get used to a life without being alone, because no one is ever truly alone, for a long time.
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And leaving a wound The optimism slowly is being replaced by pessimistic thoughts My soul crumbles up into a tiny ball And slips out the crack in my heart Life as I knew it from then Had become my nightmare of reality Oh the optimism of the pessimistic mind And the soul being the medium between the two Too bad the soul has been torn from the heart Who will be my medium now?
I guess you could call the way that I think is a stream of consciousness. I just need to be able to write it down in time before it is lost., but most of the time that is hard to do because there are a lot of things that pop in and out of my head. I can’t take the time to write every little thing that goes in it. I think that’s why I get in trouble a lot and I don’t know a lot. My mind is always going all over the place. I don’t have a leash for it or anything. It’s a wonder that I haven’t gone off on something else or moved away from this page. At the moment I’m listening to music and it’s keeping my mind in check. It’s making sure that what I want done will get done by the end of the song. I doubt that I will be done with this by the end of it, but it’s a goal. There are those rare moments where I look up at the screen and read what I have just typed, but that’s only because I have no idea what I wrote. That’s how I end up going off on something else. I forget what I’m writing about and it’s just morphs into something else. But now the song is ending and I’m losing my concentration. Ow damn I just bit my tongue, good job brain for being a smart ass. Another song is playing but I don’t know it well enough to write anything remotely good with it. It hard to think, spurts of the song play in my head, and I take it and bring it to life. Winning the race but no going to stop. A song I know comes on and it’s a soft and beautiful song. It eases my tension. But at the same time it makes me sad. The lyrics are hurt full but you know deep down that you feel the same way. Lost in a simple game, cat and mouse are we the same? I’m I supposed to be happy when all I ever wanted comes with a price. You say that you would die for me/you must live for me too. Small things are normally the things that cost the most in life. It may not be money that is being spent but time and life are put into it, and that cost more than money any day. A simple tune of what I know makes everything better. “I like to write. I love to write. I write for my own pleasure.” I like this quote, because it’s true for me. I don’t write for anyone but myself and the pleasure that it gives me. Not for someone that wants to read what I’ve written. I could care less about them, I’ve just learned to enjoy the things that I have written and that’s really all that matters to me. Listening to a song that I have heard live before makes me every part of me wish that I was there again hearing it. The rush of the crowd the energy of the band, hearing my own heart beat in my throat as I belted out the lyrics. My first concert was by far the best concert I could go to, a line-up of great bands and insane people. The place was filled with people that loved the music that I did. I was around people that thought at least a little like I did. The only down fall of that concert was I didn’t get to see my all time favorite band in the world. The lead singer was out sick. No one really respected them for that. They haven’t been back here since. It’s hard for me to think, it’s hard for me to think. It’s hard for me to think, it’s hard for me to think, it’s hard for me to think, it’s hard for me to think, it’s hard for me to think, it’s hard for me to think, it’s hard for me to think, it’s hard for me to think, it’s hard for me to think, how long can I go on with this without getting bored of it, of tired of typing the same thing over and over and over and over and over….? You get the point, well I hope you do. When I say “you’, who exactly am I talking to? It’s not like anyone is actually reading this besides me. I guess the “you” would be me. I’m trying to prove to myself all of these things. So even subconsciously my mind knows that I’m a hypocrite. There is this song that just makes me sad and I think about all the bad times in my life. I’m not sure if everybody has that song for them, but fer sure know that I do. Hey I managed to write a page of shit. Wow go me, and that is just everything that popped into my head, and I just got off topic. No wonder it’s hard for people to understand me. I can’t think straight, tomorrow is Halloween. All I can think about is being out of school and not having to be anywhere in general. I can’t wait till Sunday. It’s my birthday and I’ll be turning 17. I don’t know what that means to other people. But to me it means I’m that much closer to death. I’m that much closer to having to gain more and more responsibilities. Shit!“If I were two faced, would I be wearing this one?”“What happened to the American Dream?”“What happened? It came true, we’re living it.”“Anything or anyone that does not bring you to alive is too small for you.”Plot? How do you find it in anything?Harold is going insane!What is there to be said?A character in my own lifeI’m reading my own life out of the palms of my own wonder pool.
Rash ideas Turn into sin Why can’t I live the simple life? Living off false power Can’t even remember the hour Days pass My heart grows stranger Is it possible I have become my own stranger? Writing by candle light No, this can’t be right But who am I to write the rules to life? Sweat dripping down my spin Oh, the callus beings of life Just rough skin of a patch of soft My final inertia No longer in nirvana Silly me You can’t make everyone happy sweetheart Techno High based life Simple things Color red Smile like you mean it The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. How do you make love stay? If it’s so great, then how is it kept? Paint splattered life Going from east to south Opposites attract Ying to my yang Sleep with your eyes wide shut Let go of your insides and let the colors spread Dream on You’re sleeping with the lights on Awkward glances Pitiful smiles Paranormal lives Night stalker Dream on Try to run away But you’ll never let me go Your heart is heavy Protect my heart I’ve left it with you Hard to cry when your smile warms the corners of my heart Thump Breath Thump Breath Losing sight Don’t look back now Dream on lover Up and down You spin my around Paint splattered life Easy going eyes Pitiful smiles Rosy cheeks Wrinkled nose Cute Crying on the inside Jump to your own tune Mask your lies Decoding your cheeky smile Screaming I love you Over and over Cramming Slamming How can I decide what’s right When you’re clouding up my mind The end Rewind Start your show Is it everything you wanted? Is it everything you imagined it would be? Or better Pause Favorite seen Watching your life play on the big screen Just graduated kindergarten Such accomplishment is shown on your face You were proud that day Play Singing, dancing, playing with friends You grow old and tired Pause Marriage is beautiful Play Hold his hand Live the day Pause Birth of your child Bliss of your young Play Old age Birthdays Lights out Time for something new Pause Do you want to see the end? It’s not as good as you think Ok, if you insist Play Wrinkled skin Liver spots His skin ages but his eye’s show the youth he still feels The same guy you fell in love with Look in the mirror You look like grandma did White hair Sagging skin Pale skin Life lived well Things will get easier now The pain with subside Let the white light envelop you Shhh! It’s ok He holds your hand and enters the whiteness with you Don’t worry your children will be fine Your eyes are filled with the truth of your lies Is that what you face looks like when the sky cries? Hiding behind the dark shadows of regret Lost in your lies that you seem to forget Is everything so easy when the truth is hiding there under your skin? Do things come out that much easier when things are hiding? Your face says confusion but your skin tells the tale Trace your palm Find your life The way it should be Long line of life A crack in the line You lost a love Continue down that path…..wait! You found “her”. Her life line is short She dies on the hospital bed birthing your child You lose sight Back to the beginning The cycle of life What becomes of your lies? What becomes of the lying child that you now hold? Does the child see your faults? Do you make him fix them? Or live with them? Look at his life line Oh no! He will live like you Breaks in his life line You cover his palm trying to take away the life ahead of him To late his life is set in stone Wish for the best Know he will be happy for parts of his life The only benefit You will be with him forever Immortality has its upsides Envy your child He will get to see the light of day while you hide inside, under your dirt and cobwebs Half human have immortal Thank his mother Thank your need for the women Hope to the Gods his immortal life is a bit better than yours Your fault You let him strip Now he’s on the floor Crying for help Will you ever be able to help anyone ever again? Have your eyes been so clouded over with lies That you forgot how to help? Realization hits his boyish face Life isn’t as innocent as he once thought it was Corrupted Impure Thank your father child He failed as your parental figure You figured out at an early age that life is a lie Get used to it Things get worse from here At the young age of ten Scribbling profanity on bathroom stales Is this what your life will consist of? Scribbling your thoughts down on something that means nothing to you? Don’t worry kid No one judges children Wait till your seventeen Your life will begin to spiral downward Say hi to mom She watches you now Dads gone into denial He’s been trying to off himself Immortality makes you sick Get used to it kids It’s the cycle of life Your eyes which first held me captivated where I stood Your smile to dazzle the sun and warm every corner of my soul Your voice like a sparkling mountain stream which flows into my heart Your walk and the way your gracefulness takes my breath away Your hair about which I dreamed cascading into my face as you leaned over me Your hands whose caress I crave to hold my face in their tenderness Your arms I long to have around my neck as you pull me close to your warmth Most of all everything you are changed the way I feel about my life I love you…
Eyes are on fire And filled with desire Lost in the truth of tomorrow Eyes are on fire Lost in the hour I can’t find the answers for tomorrow I’m lost without your pain But you’re still waiting in vain How can I sooth your pain I’m scared without your power Wish I had a strain I’ve got nothing for you to gain Shoveling through the corpses of yesterday You’ll be waiting in vain I’ve got nothing for you to gain Eyes on fire And so full of rage Falling forward onto your face But then you emerge with such grace Building up your desire I will sooth your pain I won’t ease you strain I’ve got nothing for you to gain Eyes on fire Your spin is so gray And just in time in the right place Sillely emerging in the right place Eyes gone quiet And left in their place No one wants to be with the plague You’re stuck with that face Falling forward with grace
How can you be an optimist when you’re so pessimistic? How can you be alive when you’re so dead? How can you be sane when you’re so insane? How can you be red when you’re so blue? How can you care when you obviously don’t care? How can you see without opening your eyes? How can you really live if you’re stuck inside your own world? How can you be so mature when you’re still a child? How can you be you when you’re obviously someone you’re not? How can you hide when there’s danger? How can you be at ease when I’m going stressing out? How can I love someone so inconsiderate when he has forgotten how to love? How am I supposed to live with someone like you? How am I supposed to care for someone that doesn’t care for me? How can you breathe when I’m not there? Is this what I get when I let my heart win? What do you get out of it? How do you think, act, or sleep when I’m not there? Are you even alive? I am something I’m not I wonder about how life shoud have been I hear the lies that come out of phony people’s mouths I see nothing because I am blind to the truth I want to be a child again I am something I’m not I pretend to act dumb I feel ignorant at times I touch my hair I worry over my loved ones safety I cry when no one is around I am something I’m not I understand nothing and everything I say I’m illiterate, but I can read I dream about better times or times I want to experience I try to do my best I hope for a better future I am something I’m not, but I understand it. I love those who care for me I hate people that oppose me I hide what I really am I care about things beyond my own realm I act like a child when I know I’m not one anymore I imagine things getting better for me I color my life red I am someone that I know I’m not, but I’m proud of it. How do I know what’s right when you’re always clouding up my mind? It’s hard for me to concentrate and process anything remotely sane. How did we get here? I used to know everything about you. Even if it killed me. You make it hard for me to breath. But you make my blood boil when I see that the truth is hiding in your eyes. How did we get here? I used to know you so well. I’m starting to think I know. How can you see what kind of man that you have become? You’ve gone and made such a fool of yourself. How did we get here? I’m losing controlI’m not sure anymore. There is a man inside you that you aren’t very sure of Just come close and be yourself. How did we get here? How could you hide such lies? I’m losing control. And you’re falling down into a downward spiral of regret. No one else sees what you have become, because they are blind to your work. You even think that I don’t see. Why can’t you see the kind of man that you have become? I desperately want you to see, to try and understand. That I really do love you. I want the man that I first fell in love with back. I miss him. How did we get here?
What if there was never an ending to every beginning? What if we were never born at all? What if my mother never had me? What if music never went the way that it has? What if I wasn’t exposed to the things that I was when I was little? What if things were different? What if I didn’t think the way that I do now? What if things that aren’t real became true? What if I wasn’t so childish? What if someone cared? What if love didn’t hurt so much? What if we didn’t have emotions? What if everything was easy? What if everybody gave up? What if everything was a lie? What if things were better? What if there was no war and hate? What if living was simple? What if we understood everything? What if we could see through everything that is a lie? What if music was the answer to everything? What if people were nice? What if every note out of an instrument was a word? What if we didn’t have to wear masks to hide from danger? What if there was no danger? What if everybody had compassion? What if every day was happy? What if there were not cartoons when we were little? What if wishing was hard? What if your eyes changed with your mood? What if everybody was the same? What if you lived the way you dreamed? What if your life was a fantasy and you’re living it for somebody else? What if you didn’t day dream? What if you didn’t have an imagination? What if everybody wasn’t creative? What if when you die in your dream you die in real life? What if myths came true only for you? What if there wasn’t humor? What if there wasn’t TV, or any form of entertainment? What if night was day and day was night? What if you couldn’t love? What if you were living your own lie? What if we restored our innocence? What if we never had a home? What if there was truth to every lie? What if we were given a second chance? What if we were all optimistic? What if we were optimistically pessimistic? What if you could run away from everything? What if you spoke your mind? What if you could delete everything that you have seen and had done to you? What if you couldn’t run away from pain? What if there wasn’t religion of any kind? What if there wasn’t texture to anything? What if nothing broke? What if…?
How it is that something so nice can become so cruel? When all you ever do is try your best to make everything just right for them. They always expect more. I understand that it’s just human nature to do it that way. But come on, every single time. I try to write something that’s even moderately good, and I still get it shoved back in my face that it wasn’t good enough for them. That it wasn’t up to their standards. I can’t help it if my mind works differently then there’s does. To me their brain is the one that is messed up and needs to be checked. There is nothing wrong with me and the way that I think. Some people are just pompous assholes, that can’t get it through there damn head that everything doesn’t have to go the way that they want it to all the time. The world doesn’t revolve around there damn ass. If they actually learned to open there eyes and see that there is a world around them that is way more important than they are. Just get over yourself; you may be the boss of one job. But when put into the real world, your nothing. You’re just a pon that is being played in this big game of chess. You’re nothing more than a warrior that the Gods use to get there Queen safely guarded. I do things for a reason, and having someone tell me that they are better than me in such few words just shows me that they really think too much of their self. Why is it that people cast out the person that is the most different than others? Are they afraid that that person may be able to change the methods of their ways? When in fact the more different a person is the more likely that person is to be able to change that method for the good. I mostly ramble on about nothing that makes no sense and nobody will give a shit about. I get the feeling that when I am told to write, I’m just writing to humor someone. That my writing means nothing, and it’s all just for some stupid grade. That what I write is just words on paper, something to show the worth of my time spent in class. That’s all my writing is and that’s all it will ever be in this school. No one takes into act the skill of someone’s writing or the worth of it. They only see it as some damn grade that goes into a grading book and makes the school look good when they are checked for how good they are teaching their students. I am just a puzzle pieces that was made to be fit into one slot on the puzzle of a whole. The school being this puzzle, is supposed to shape the pieces just right so they fit in in one slot. The only place that puzzle piece really fits in, is next to a bunch of its friends. The friends you make are the puzzle pieces that will stay with you, will connect with you, and make you feel like you belong. This “puzzle” is supposed to help. But how can a puzzle help a puzzle piece when the puzzle piece only fits in one place? My point is not meant to make people angry or anything rude of the sort. I’m just merely pointing out that, no one can shape a person just right to fit into the place they want that person at. The person themselves has to figure out everything on their own and make them self the best puzzle pieces that they can. Find the people that best connect with them and stick with them for as long as they can. The people that only really care about you are the people that love you for you. Not the fake people that say they love you, but then when you turn your back they talk shit about you. But I’ve learned not to give a shit about what other people say. They mean nothing to me, and if I don’t know them and they judge me on what I say or do. Then they mean nothing to me. Sure it may be important to some on what other people say about them, but when you have lived a life like mine. You will learn that life isn’t long enough for you to dwell on what someone says about what you said did, or what you look like. No matter what you do, there will always be those couple few people that will find something that they don’t like about you. You will never be good enough for a lot of people. But the only people that really matter are the people that know and love you for you. Don’t worry while writing this i was stressed and neede something to vent about. everythings fine now. >.<
How many times have you watched me fall just to smile? How many times have I cried and you laughed in denial? What’s the use of it all if you’re going to spit everything back in my face in the end? Forget it all Your life is a lie, and never meant anything to me So now you’re screaming at the top of your lungs Hoping for someone to come You have died in my eyes already You may think that you can carve out your worth But that has been lost The scars in my eyes can tell someone a tail of your hate The truths of your lies are no longer there The longing I see play across your face for a new day will never come You are bound to damnation You don’t wear your heart on your sleeve You wear it in your eyes So prove to me that you are worth what you say you are. But then you would just watch me fall over and over again, smiling with your smug smile Laughing in denial And I’ll just die inside
Watching over the frightened people Seeing everything that happens in the eve of night Noticing the fate of everyone The moon is secretive As it sits behind its clouds Trying to hide from what it sees Uses the clouds as a white sheet, that will hide the bad things Making the bogyman go away The scared moon shields itself in its room Away from the world Away from the hurt that is happening outside Trying to make sense of the scenes that are happening It’s hard for her to see, when her world it covered with hate and disgust She is blind to the fact that there is more to life then what she reads There is a bigger and better place out there for her She just has to open her eyes a little wider And see what she is missing Look pass the hate, and see the light But for now, she sits behind her cloud and waits for the light of a new day.
You think I don’t see But in fact I see everything I see the lies that you are trying to hide I see through the mask that you think that you have built up so greatly I hear the hurt in your voice when you speak Your voice is like a constant reminder of what I haven’t accomplished What I don’t see is how come you are the way you are I don’t see why you act that way I don’t see why you stay with meIf I’m such a failure to you, why are you here? Do you enjoy seeing my life crumble to pieces? But in truth I see what you are trying to do to me. You don’t think I see But I see…
There was a moment in time, where time itself stop Where the air froze and there was no sound The people around you did not matter For the moment was yours, and yours only The distant thump of your own heart did not matter For it was the person in front of you that had the best heart of all This one moment in time, which only you seemed to notice Was gone in a blink of an eye And gone forever It started with a low hum, then got higher The distant thump of her heart was louder The pace of your heart did not matter Because all you wished was to hold her forever Eternity would be better, but this moment in time is all the more real One moment was all you needed One moment in time, where time itself stopped |
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